Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
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