i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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