this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Why can't burritos get me drunk
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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