we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
