Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
