Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize