She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
