there's paper in my vomit.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
