Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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