haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
