at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It's never too late to be topless.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
