he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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