Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
last night I used snow as a chaser
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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