I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Randomize
