Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
