i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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