god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
