eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Randomize
