Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
