She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
