hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
