I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
If I had your ass I would rule the world
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
