He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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