She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
