you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
