I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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