You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
