I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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