Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
