please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
