My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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