i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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