Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize