He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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