look no pants
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You're earring is so big in my mouth
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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