I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He shit in the fireplace
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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