My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
