I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
