Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
