She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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