On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
