Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
