He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
