Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
