life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
