I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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