Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
