btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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