He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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