I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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