she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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