You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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