new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
