this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
