is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
