We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
