there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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