U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
