Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
