turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
