so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Someone came in the potted fern
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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