I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
