I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
