Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
