On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
