He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
