i may or may not be watching the land before time
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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