im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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