Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
